Christmas Wish

I went to a woman's night thing at church last night with my mom and heard a lady share her reflections as she read the Christmas story from the Bible. First of all, it was awesome and encouraging and challenging and I loved it. Second, she said something that shook my heart. In her closing prayer, she said "Lord, you know the desire of my heart is to know you and live by great faith. That is my Christmas wish this year." That statement may seem simple and common to some people, but let me explain my thought process as I heard those words. The first thing that popped into my head was, "That can't be true. No one's hearts desire can be that pure...doesn't she understand that we are sinful people and capable of nothing good!?" Even writing this I see my great unbelief of the Gospel. I've been reading through a few chapters in Isaiah this week (40-42) and the Lord speaks beautifully to my heart about this in these passages:

"Lift up your eyes on high and see:

who created these?

He who brings out their host by 

number,

calling them all by name,

by the greatness of His might,

and because He is strong in power

not one is missing." - Is. 40:26

THIS God, the God who created the entire universe with His mere breath and the God who SUSTAINS everything in each moment with the greatest might and strongest power, this is God who created, sustains, and saved ME. THIS God lives in me. I cannot separate the truths that He is THIS mighty, although even this portrayal surely does not do Him adequate justice, and that He died, arose, and lives in me; that He is also MY power and MY strength. My initial thought about Mrs. Carol's prayer was one of defeat, and that certainly doesn't belong anywhere near THIS God of Isaiah 40.

"You are my servant,

I have chosen you and not cast you off;

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Is. 41:9-10

"I will make the wilderness a pool of water,

and the dry land springs of water...

that they may see and know,

may consider and understand together,

that the hand of the LORD has done this,

the Holy One of Israel has created it." - Is. 41:18-20

Again, THIS God says that He has chosen me, is with me, is my strength and my help. Oh how my thought is such a lie to discredit His power and committment! There is some truth of it though, for He also says that there once was a wilderness and dry land, which WAS my heart before His saving power entered. But the beauty and grace of Jesus is that He DID NOT leave it that way! He changes, purifies, justifies. And newsflash to me, its a REAL change!!! Not a theory or nice thought, its REAL and tangible life change!! My thought, was one that preached a powerless and weak Savior and a powerful flesh. But you see, the truth is, my flesh is dead. "How can we who died to sin still live in it?' - Romans 6:2. And why this truth? He tells us: "that they may see and know, consider and understand together, that the hand of the LORD has done this." FOR HIS GLORY. That people may look and know and consider and understand that there is something great and mighty and holy about the change in Becky Broersma's life. And that they would see Christ as glorious and beautiful and powerful and something they desperately need. How beautiful can a Savior be in those He saves walk in defeat? I can almost see how that is Satan's trick...his lie for believers...how unfortunate for him that I have a book full of truth and a God who doesn't let me go.

"Thus says God, the LORD,

who created the heavens and stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and what comes from it,

who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:

'I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness;

I will take you by the hand and keep you;

I will give you as a covenant for the people, 

a light for the nations,

to open the eyes that are blind,

to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,

from the prison those who sit in darkness.

I am the LORD; that is my name;

my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols." - Is. 42:5-8

He created and sustains and saves to bring FREEDOM to those (me) who were once captives, USED TO BE hopeless and incapable of any good. HE does that. And He sends us to take part in the greatest purpose of all time, to tell other captives of the hope and freedom we've found, that they might glorify the LORD and be free. We're just surrounded by glory and freedom. No defeat here :)

And so that too is my Christmas wish...a little cheesy, yes, but true nontheless. To know Him deeper and walk in great faith and life-changing belief. Because when I really see truth, its the desire of my heart as well.

Help my unbelief

Well, I'm officially done with school for this semester - THANK THE LORD! haha, it's been a LONG one. Looking back, I feel like I'm slowly beginning to see a pattern of my life and beliefs...through heartache, hard times, stressful days, and even the easy days. I've complained a lot...wallowed in some self-pity a lot...and allowed outward circumstances to dictate my worship. By that I mean that rather than worshipping the Lord God I believe created me and sustains me, I've been worshipping things like comfort and even myself. When times have been hard, I've wanted easy above all things, and been bitter when easy hasn't come. I see how much this has dictated my life.
In the past week or so, I feel like the Lord has been opening my eyes to so much of my own sin in this - It's like, as I've cried out to Him, angry and hurt, He's said "Look Becky, I have remained faithful through it all...you aren't believing the truth about me." And He has shown me.

"Therefore since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly...but God show his loves love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now recieved reconcilliation." - Romans 5:1-11

As elementary as it is...I think that I've forgotten and haven't truly believed that God LOVES me. I swung so far the other way, to God has a huge purpose for me, and I must fulfill it or I'm a failure. And of course, I've "failed," which has left me empty, sad, and bitter...with no motivation. But thats because I've missed the best part! God LOVES me! Like this passage says, He sent His Son to die for me, while I was His enemy, because He loved me that much...because He still loves me. He made a way for me to become His daughter. There is no greater love. The only reason I can love Him, is because He first loved me. If I miss this, the true purpose is gone. John Piper said "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him." What a beautiful and awesome statement!!! So often I fall into believing that I  must choose one or the other...to glorify God or to be satisfied. But the truth is that they come hand-in-hand...because He LOVES us. His purpose for us is not only His and about Him, but the greatest, most satisfying and joyful thing for US. This is the TRUTH, that upon believing, gives us more of Jesus and His purpose than any amount of working hard or being good could ever do. It wasn't meant to be earned...it was given. It is the heart-level motivation behind every action of worship, the driving force behind persevering and enduring, and the attitude that floods joy and peace into every circumstance, rendering the world powerless. This is the GOSPEL.

"Repent, and believe the Gospel." - Jesus Christ, Mark 1:15

Truth

"Know the LORD, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His;
we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture...
For the LORD is good; His steadfast love endures forever,
and His faithfulness to all generations..."
          -Psalm 100

"Let this be recorded for a generation to come,

so that a people yet to be created may praise the LORD;

that He looked down from His holy height;

from heaven the LORD looked at the earth,

to hear the groans of the prisoners,

to set free those who were doomed to die,

that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD,

and in Jerusalem His praise,

when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD...

Of old You laid the foundation of the earth,

and the heavens are the work of Your hands.

They will perish, but You will remain;

they will all wear out like a garment.

You will change them like a robe,

and they will pass away,

but You are the same, and Your years have no end." - Psalm 102

"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems you life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
          slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love...

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far does He remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him.

          But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him."
          - Psalm 103

"CEASE STRIVING, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" - Psalm 46:10

"Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she has a sister called Mary, who sat the the Lord's feet and listened to His teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving....the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10:38-42

"The Kingdom of heaven is like a TREASURE hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his JOY, he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." - Matthew 13:44

"'Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?' And He said to them, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment." - Matthew 22:36-38

Lord, by Your goodness and mercy and grace, make this the truth of my heart...that it may compell and control me in such a great way, that You look as worthy as You are.

"take root downward and bear fruit upward" - Exodus 37:31

I'm so thankful that the LORD doesn't let me go, even when I am such a FOOL. Looking back on this semester, I have worshipped myself so much...I have expected people to meet my needs and pridefully written them off when they haven't, I've wallowed in self-pity, wanted Jesus but only for myself, rejected and pulled away from His body and community...all because I worship myself...I've been self-centered, self-exalting, self-pitying...and I've missed so much of Jesus! And yet, STILL, He calls me back??! I'm just so overwhelmed that THAT is the God who has saved me and called me...the One who redeems me and reveals Truth to me and is perfectly committed and faithful to me when I am in deep and complete rebellion against all that He is. I don't understand it, but I want it..."Repent and believe the gospel!" I want to walk in this truth, I want to go DEEP and allow Him to root out and expose even the darkest corners of my heart. It will probably be extremely uncomfortable and maybe even painful, but how does that even compare to getting more of THIS God?
I read this chapter today in Isaiah...the one before it was about the wrath of God, which is what I have earned and deserve, and lemme tell ya, it was scary as heck.But then this chapter came entitled "The Ransomed Shall Return." It's about God's redemption and ransom of His people, the same people who deserve and have earned His wrath. But He poured that out on Jesus...Jesus who took our place to bring us to God, to present us holy and blameless and above reproach before Him. And so we get this:

"The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus; it shall blossom abundantly and rejoice with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the majesty of Carmel and Sharon. They shall see the glory of the LORD, the majesty of our God. Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, 'Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.' Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert; the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water; in the jaunt of jackals, where they lie down, the grass shall become reeds and rushes. And a highway shall be there, and it shall be called the Way of Holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it. It shall belong to those who walk on the way; even if they are fools, they shall not go astray. No lion shall be there, nor shall the ravenous beast come up on it; they shall not be found there, but the redeemed shall walk there. And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." - Exodus 35

WOW. If that doesn't make you wanna go deep with the LORD and KNOW Him...simply because in Him there is life, He IS life; the ONLY life. And He requires and deserves my life and my worship and all glory. Exodus 37:31 says that His children will return to Him by taking "root downward" and bearing "fruit upward." We go deep in Him and surrender our hearts fully to Him, and root downward...that we may bring Him glory and send that fruit upward. 

I'm all in.

Jesus

I feel slightly overwhelmed at the moment, but in a good way...in an overwhelmed-by-Jesus kinda way...
I've just been sitting at my computer reading scripture and listening to songs about Him this afternoon, and there is none like Him. I have been struggling with seeing so much sin in my life...I am prideful and arrogant and I worship so many other things like comfort and reputation and just myself! The sin of my heart seems to be never ending, I feel like pure motives are impossible! I cry out for the Lord, but is it for my own deliverance or to serve Him? Yet, He didn't count equality with God a thing to be grasped, which is what He fully was and deserved, but He took the form of a lowly servant of man, and died the most terrible death on the cross to bring me to God - that somehow, I would get to take part in glorifying Him by being totally satisfied in Him and purified and justified by Him! Although my sin is GREAT, His grace is greater! (Romans 5:20)...HOLY COW my mind can't even wrap around it!!!!
And He defeated death...my Savior is not one that was overcome, but He overcame. He overcame it ALL.
As I've been sitting in my quiet, little, Trojan Village room, I've come to understand something. Life may not have the greatest of circumstances right now, but what if it did? What if all of life were perfect? Today, for example, was a good day. Nothing went wrong really...the weather was warm again :) And yet, I'm sitting here longing for something...
In 1 Peter 2:11, Peter calls us "sojourners and exiles" and Philippians 3:20 says that "our citizenship is in HEAVEN"...I don't belong here, that's why this world, good or bad, holds nothing for me - never satisfies me. On "one of those days", I would normally want to just go home, or eat some chocolate, or watch a funny movie, or be surrounded by friends, or nap, or something...but I don't want any of those things.

"LORD, to whom shall we go? YOU alone have the words of life" - John 6:68

I listened to a song today by Phil Wickham (LOVE that guy!) called "Heaven Song"...and I just cried listening to it because I long for this day. I want to be with Jesus, unhindered by sin and this world. He is so good...I want to see Him.

You wrote a letter and You signed your name
I read every word of it page by page
You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon
Oh my God I'll be ready for You

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams 

No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

"Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends

to the heavens, 

Your faithfulness to the clouds. 

Your righteousness is like the 

mountains of God;

Your judgments are like the great

deep;

man and beast you save, O LORD. 

How precious is your steadfast love, 

O God!

The children of mankind take

refuge in the shadow of Your wings...

For with You is the fountain of life;

in Your light do we see light."

-Psalm 36:5-9

to see Him high and lifted up

I read a chapter in Don't Waste Your Life this morning called "Magnifying Christ Through Pain and Death." As I've mentioned before, this semester has been full of suffering, in a lot of different ways and in lots of different things. And honestly, all I've wanted to do is get the heck out of all of it! My prayers have been that the Lord would end it all...heal my Papa, beat the truth into people's heads that are refusing to see Him, somehow get me the heck away from school work and let me have A's, make ministry easy and full of beautiful fruitfulness without any cost to me...all I've wanted to do is get out and away from all these hard things going on. About a week ago, (during the week from you-know-where), I was thinking about how upset I had been all week. And I thought, I often call God the "lifter of my head," and the Bible even says the same thing so many times. But my head had definitely not been lifted...so what did that say about what I was believing? What did that say about who or what I was seeking? He showed me that it hadn't been Him.
In this chapter, John Piper dissects why God allows suffering to happen to His children...not only allowing them, but even purposfully USING them. As I read, I realized I haven't been seeing the TRUTH behind life and circumstances...ALL things are by Him, and through Him, and to Him. The reason suffering is allowed in my life, is to make much of Him and to teach and allow me to treasure Him above everything else in this world. And I've been missing it!
"The design of Paul's suffering was to make radically clear for his own soul, and for ours, that God and God alone is the only treasure who lasts. When everything in life is stripped away except God, and we trust Him more because of it, this is GAIN, and HE IS GLORIFIED." What greater joy is there for me?


"What a tragic waste when people turn away from the Calvary road of love and suffering. all the riches of the glory of God in Christ are on that road. All the sweetest fellowship with Jesus is there. All the treasures of assurance. All the ecstasies of joy. All the clearest sightings of eternity. All the noblest camaraderie. All the humblest affections. All the most tender acts of forgiving kindness. All the deepest discoveries of God's Word. All the most earnest prayers. They are all on the Calvary road where Jesus walks with His people. Take up your cross and follow Jesus. On this road, and this road alone, life is Christ and death is gain. Life on every other road is wasted." 
How great is this God, that even the very worst things in life He uses for our sweetest joy and blessing! Blows my mind... 

light unto my path

This semester has been different in a lot of ways...and if I'm gunna be really honest, it hasn't been my favorite one so far! Not much has been easy, and from where I'm sitting, it doesn't much look like "easy" is anywhere close by. Things I've found so much comfort in no longer hold that for me...and maybe that seems like a bad thing, but it's not! I kind of amazes me how the LORD is always faithful to show me Himself and His goodness and how amazingly satisfying He is, even when my sweet Papa has cancer and family members I love are rejecting Christ and school and ministry are so hard. I lack NOTHING! How great is our God?! And even in the midst of those hard things, the blessings and good things in my life are overwhelming! I have so much more than so many others in this world...and yet, even those good and great things can't compare with this LORD. Compared to Him, they hold nothing for me. I'm reading the book Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper in my dgroup...the chapter I finished up today was talking about how the cross of Christ is the "blazing center" of God's glory and how we're called to boast only and fully in it. "Life is wasted if we do not grasp the glory of the cross, cherish it for the treasure that it is, and cleave to it as the highest price of every pleasure and the deepest comfort in every pain." HE is GOOD. He has purchased every good thing for me by His blood, and He is why trials hold no power over me. Blows my mind...I desperately want to live this!
So as I am learning these things and fighting to live them in true belief, and I am also facing some decisions. I have been given two awesome opportunities to spend my summer following Christ and making Him known. These past few months I really feel like the LORD has been revealing to me His heart for all people and all nations. I've never been overseas, never really seen poverty or a different culture. I've never really understood God's purpose and plan for the WORLD. My heart had never grasped the glorious picture of Revelation 7 and that great multitude of every tongue, tribe, and nation forever worshiping our King. But He has really begun to teach me and show my heart the truth of His heart for the harassed and helpless, for the people of this world that are different than me. I've been reading Radical by David Platt as well, and I really believe that this is not just a special calling for a few dedicated, but a purpose of us as the body of Christ! I am not exempt! To have Christ's heart, I must have a heart for ALL people...not just Troy or Americans, but also the people of Haiti who are devastated and hurting, the thousands of unreached people groups who have never heard the name of Jesus, the billions of people in this world. And true belief and compassion is one that moves and GOES. So learning all of this, I am so tired of just hearing and thinking "wow this is good stuff!" yet staying right where I am. Through a contact from my home church, I found an organization called Adventures in Missions. They offer numerous summer trips overseas to all kinds of places doing all kinds of things to serve people and spread the gospel, and I have applied to go with a team to Haiti for the summer. This particular team would live in a tent community and work with established missionaries to tell those people about the hope of the Gospel and help in a medical clinic, an orphanage, and just helping rebuild their homes. I honestly hadn't felt some great call or burden for the people of Haiti specifically, I just want to GO!
But as I began to apply for that and have some phone interviews with staff members, Clayton and Justin from Campus Outreach here at Troy approached me with the opportunity to be a team leader on Summer Beach Project for the summer. I have gone to SBP my past two summers and have been involved with CO since my freshman year at Troy, and i LOVE it! The LORD has used SBP in mighty ways in my life each summer, and I am convinced of this type of discipleship. I'm looking to graduate spring of 2012, and this may very well be one of the last times I will be able to go to beach project and receive this kind of training, which is so life-changing! I want to be trained and learn more, I want to pour my life into people and take part in training new leaders to go and make His Name great on our campus!
So here I am with two amazing choices, but only one summer. I guess I'm just at this place of how the heck do you choose between two things that are obviously making Him known and allowing me to know Him more? I see the great value of both, and I see His hand in both. I  just desperately want to follow HIM and walk in obedience that exalts Him and His purpose. I don't trust myself to choose...I see how sick and deceitful my  heart is...I feel like having pure motives is impossible! My prayer has been that He would make it clear, that He would light my path with His Word and guide me. I'm going to pay my application fee to Haiti as soon as I get finish this, and I believe with all of my heart that He will shut the door if that's not what He would have me do. Praise the LORD He's so concerned with His own glory that He promises to lead me : ) So we shall see...I'm already excited!
"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." - Isaiah 30:21